Social Class & Bread

Consider, for a moment, the qualities of bread.

Bread nourishes us—it’s called the “staff of life.” So it makes sense that both bread and dough are slang for money, and that those who support their households are called breadwinners.

In Michael Pollan’s deliciously fascinating new book, Cooked, I learned that white flour holds an ancient prestige, as the rich demanded the whitest possible bread and the poor were left to eat the brown bread of the coarse, whole-grain flour. Pollan writes, “Going back to ancient Rome, the shade of the bread you could afford precisely indicated your social standing. To know one’s place, Juvenal wrote, ‘is to know the color of one’s bread.’”

Gratefully, the color of our bread no longer signals our socioeconomic standing so definitively (and our knowledge of nutrition has toppled the ancient order). But we are constantly exposed to lots of other indicators—which ones do you judge others by, and which do you judge yourself by: Cars, housing, jewelry? Jobs or professions? Vacations?

We may be better at separating the color of one’s bread from one’s worth, but we still have lots of work to do not to judge others—or ourselves—based solely on our dough.

Published 9/25/13

Even Throwing Away Money Can Offer Insights

As I was putting out the recycling today, I caught a glimpse of a five-dollar bill among the wadded-up pieces of paper and empty jars. I immediately grabbed it, as if it were a small animal I was saving from danger. It felt sacreligious to have come so close to throwing it away. I was surprised by how strong my reaction was, way beyond the monetary value of the five dollars.

How did it get there? I decided I might have mixed up a no-longer-wanted piece of paper in one hand with the five-dollar bill in my other hand. I must have left the piece of paper on the dresser and dropped the five-dollar bill into the recycling.

My left hand didn’t know what the right hand was doing. It’s a good metaphor for a common cause of making unsatisfying money choices. On the one hand, we want to pay for XYZ, and on the other hand, we don’t. And it’s hard to stay attentive to both sides of our conflicted feelings—let alone negotiate a middle path—so we pay attention to our feelings about just one way and lose sight of the other set of feelings.

This was helpful when later in the day I had to make a decision about whether to pay someone to help me with a project. There was a desire to just go with my first inclination, but instead, I sat with both the “yes” and the “no.” I was able to think and feel about both sides, for longer than I would generally feel comfortable flip-flopping between the two options. It took awhile, but eventually I came to a thoughtful decision that felt “right” to me. Moving more slowly to a decision made it one I could stand behind because I had explored it from all sides.

Even throwing away money can offer us insights.

Published 10/12/14

Money Can Feed Your Heart & Soul

Zachary Karabell the author of Leading Indicators commented in an interview that the numbers we hear all the time such as GDP, per capita income, and other statistical generalities aren’t really very useful. Of a typical number he said, “It’s true statistically but it’s also meaningless as a statement.” He explained that the economic indicators we use don’t tell us very much about our world because they are mostly averages. Here’s an example that sounds like a joke: “Bill Gates walks into a bar and, per capita, everybody becomes a millionaire.”

I think this underscores the importance of seeing what is true and meaningful in our own money situation. Even though our individual circumstances are greatly influenced and determined by political and cultural influences, what we have to work with is our own particular, peculiar, personal economy. And our individual economy includes our heart and soul, our relationships with one another, as well as dollars and cents.

Once we have enough for life’s essentials, money is no longer just money. It becomes an expression of what we value in our lives, and an expression of our connections to one another.

Take a look at what you spend money on. I’m not talking about creating a budget but rather to give attention to what your spending habits reveal about your values. Wake up to the fact that going out to eat is taking all your discretionary resources so you don’t have enough money to replace your car that is falling apart. Spending on clothing or travel could mean you can’t take a class or buy a new computer. Take a look at the fact that you decide to stay in an unhappy relationship because it gives you enough money to pay off student debt at a higher rate.

There’s no one right way to make decisions about money. By looking at the decisions you make you will gain insight into what you think your needs are and perhaps see if they truly are your current needs.

It’s always a good process to question the patterns in our lives–including around money. Taking this kind of accounting will give you a picture of the values you hold and perhaps a glimpse into the kind of future you envision for yourself and for the world. Who and what are you investing in through your purchases and/or your investments?

After you’ve taken the money blindfolds off, are you pleased with what you discover? Is your money behavior in sync with what you say you value in life? If not, are they really your values or just what you think they should be? Take a look at how you share your money, be it with family, friends, or causes you believe in. Does this feel good to you?

Taking an accounting of where and how we spend our money—as well as how much we are saving or not saving—is an exercise that helps keep our outside life in sync with our inner life. Listen to your inner needs and notice how much they change. One day you may want to splurge on a new coat for yourself and at another time you may want to buy a coat for a homeless person. Let your money take you to new experiences and relationships that touch your inner life. Use money to feed your heart and soul as well as your belly.

Published 1/25/16

What Gifts Open Your Heart?

Recently I helped a friend collect and distribute clothing for the homeless. She’s been doing this for eight years and taught me her system of neatly folding and displaying the items so that people can choose what they want, almost as if they were in a store.

I’ve had amazingly profound conversations over those neatly folded bins of clothing. But what has bowled me over the most has been the intensity of their expressions of

thanks. Each and every person, whether taking just a pair of socks or a bag full of sweaters and coats, expressed heartfelt thanks so genuinely that it shot straight to my heart.

Last time one of the women couldn’t thank us enough as she tried on different items and filled a bag full of clothes. As we were leaving she offered us a few pieces of fruit. Her way of thanking us included giving us something in return.

Traditional Hawaiian culture teaches that we are always to give first. Imagine such a world; one where we share what we have and extend ourselves first rather than waiting to see what we can get or what will be given.

Perhaps it’s inevitable that we (myself included) have lost some of the capacity to feel that kind of deep appreciation for the gifts given to us. I am working on seeing what gifts can open my heart each day: something beautiful in nature, a meal prepared by a friend, a smile from a stranger, a hot shower, a dog eager to see me. When I take things for granted, let alone feel entitled, gratitude doesn’t stand a chance.

Published 2/26/16

Tax Time Drama and Relief

Money is full of drama. There are endless situations and events involving money that evoke vivid emotional responses within us. Preparing and paying taxes is one of them. Most money dramas are private situations and though they may involve others, they are particular to ourselves. But tax season is a collective drama—trauma, for some—where we are all simultaneously taking an accounting of money in our lives.

A few questions to better recognize and understand your tax time drama:

What’s hard for you about taxes – is it the preparation and having to look at what you’ve earned? Or do you angst over paying it? And if the payment bothers you is it because you don’t having enough to cover the tax bill or because it just feels wrong to send off so much of your hard earned money to the government?

If you file jointly, what emotions get played out between the two of you during tax season? Is there tension, yelling or crying? What are the dynamics about who deals with the taxes and who doesn’t? Does your relationship feel particularly unsteady or off balance during tax season?

How was tax time in your house growing up? Were there conversations about it? Were there unstated but felt feelings? Do you remember who you learned about taxes from? Can you see one of your parents at their desk or the kitchen table with boxes of receipts, like I can?

If you suffer during tax time take a look at your answers to the questions above and pinpoint your anxieties. Then:

Remember to breathe as you are doing your taxes. Spread out the tasks so you aren’t overwhelmed at the last minute.
Talk with friends and/or professionals about your feelings. Anxiety responds best to being acknowledged and understood. It’s only when we identify it that we can figure out how to take care of it.
Do you need help with any of the concrete aspects of taxes such as record keeping, preparing, or paying them? If so, figure out how to get the assistance you need.
See if you can watch the drama from the audience a bit more, from a new angle, to find a new perspective.

“Taxman” by the Beatles
Let me tell you how it will be
There’s one for you, nineteen for me
Cos I’m the taxman, yeah, I’m the taxman

Taking Emotional and Financial Risks

Fourteen years ago I took the risk of saying “yes” when my husband suggested we use our equity line to purchase a bookstore in Point Reyes Station. I am so grateful we took that risk. The store has enriched my life in countless ways that I am even more vividly aware of now that we are selling Point Reyes Books.

Two of the gifts from having owned the bookstore stand out for me at this bittersweet time. First and foremost are the relationships with co-workers, customers, authors and people who work in the book biz. Each and every day I am touched by multiple exchanges with incredible people.

The second gift is that I worked harder than I ever had worked before. Rolling up my sleeves and getting the job done entailed a never-ending mix of mundane, challenging and gratifying tasks. This made me stronger.

Photo by Todd Pickering, used with permission.

And now we are taking the risk of selling Point Reyes Books. How will I navigate my life without this rich vehicle for engagement with the world? How will I feel without the security of a steady income? Where will my nourishment come from without the daily sustenance of heartfelt exchanges in the bookstore?

One of the reasons I’m taking the risk of selling the bookstore is to focus on my Emotional Currency work, which has so often been pushed aside for bookstore tasks. I am very excited to have more time to think, write, offer workshops, and connect with women around the world, helping to transform their emotional relationship to money.

What are the risks you want (or need) to take in your life? This line from Mary Oliver’s poem “The Summer Day” helped us take this risk. Maybe it will help you take yours. Oliver asks, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Published 6/2/16

Homelessness Awareness

Each story I hear when I meet with groups of homeless men and women makes me curious about the people I see walking on the street with their duffel bags or shopping carts. Before, they blended in to the sea of people, now I notice them. What’s her story, the woman who looks like she’s on her way to work at a restaurant? Or the man in rags? Homeless people are slowly becoming people to me, not just “the homeless”.

After just an hour-long meeting at a homeless shelter with parents who live there with their families, I was in tears as I drove home. Their stories echoed in my heart. The car that was stolen then totaled so the family couldn’t move out of state where they had jobs waiting for them. The man whose head injury from a fall meant he couldn’t work and his wife’s minimum wage job is the only income for their family of five.

Also echoing in my mind are unanswerable questions of why them and why not me? Is it karma or luck? We all make choices but what’s most inexplicable are things we have no control over: what just happens to us, the families we are born into, our race, our gender, the economy, the country where we are born, the neighborhood we are raised in.

I’ve never known homelessness personally but I am learning, story by story, of others’ realities. And hard as it is to sit with suffering when there is nothing I can do to help, I feel I am being given a gift of becoming more human.

I am grateful to all the people—homeless, homeowners, and renters—who talk to me about money in their lives. They help me to feel and see the parameters and biases of my particular experiences (being white and privileged). I own a home because I inherited enough money when my mother died for a down payment. And I appreciate having a home now more than ever before.

What stories do you tell yourself about why you have the financial resources or the debt you have? I find that when we share our money worries, dilemmas, fears and/or shame, the grip (or for some of us, the stranglehold) of money loosens and lessens. We are better able to deal with money and perhaps experience more freedom in relation to it and in other areas of our lives.

Published 10/13/16

How Much Is Enough?

New Year’s Day was especially significant for me as we transferred ownership—after 14 ½ years—of Point Reyes Books to its new stewards. I wanted to do something significant to mark the first day of our new lives and so we attended a tea ceremony at Green Gulch Farm Zen Center.

In addition to the delicious thick green tea and mochi sweets, I found much nourishment in the beauty of the objects and the ceremony. When a fresh bowl of tea arrived we were told how many people, either five or six, the bowl would serve. It was our responsibility to gauge what our share was, making sure to leave enough for those that followed.

What a wonderful and rare teaching, that our share is not predetermined but is a marriage of what we are given and what others need. This speaks to me about my relationship with money that I need to both look out for myself and for others, simultaneously. And that by do so I am experiencing—and expressing—that we are interconnected. It also reflects an idea of a world in which there could be something for everyone, even though we are given different amounts.

At the tea ceremony there was so much to see and appreciate in just a few beautiful objects in the room, when we slowed down and really looked. A reminder that less is more when we pay deep attention.

Published 1/12/17

Cultivating Generosity

Daily I’m more and more appreciative of the kindness and generosity of others. The tech support person who truly listens, and solves the problem. The acquaintance who gives me a spontaneous hug. A friend’s well-informed guidance on ways to take political action. An invitation to dinner. Ordinary generosity is taking on extraordinary dimensions these days: a kind word, oranges brought to a meeting, a hand-written note.

In a culture of increasing divisiveness, fear and uncertainty, kindness and generosity are balm for the heart. I am especially grateful to be co-hosting a webinar series, “Giver, Receiver, Gift: The Spiritual Practice of Money,” with Linda Ruth Cutts through the San Francisco Zen Center. Buddhism has much to teach about the interconnection of life, our attachments, and how to cultivate generosity.

Now, more than ever, is a good time to practice generosity with ourselves, others and in our relationship to money.

Published 2/8/17

On Giving: The Pope’s Advice on Panhandling

When I returned home from the grocery store my husband told me that my wallet had been found. It was lost and found in the same moment, I hadn’t even known it was missing. Antonio had come across it on the street where I’d loaded groceries into the car. He called AAA (my membership card was in the wallet), to get my phone number.

The next day I placed a $20 bill on the pages of the open book a homeless woman was reading. Seeing her sitting on a bench in the sun warmed my heart. A few minutes later Antonio came to mind and his saying, “We all need each other” when I’d called to thank him. His gift of returning my wallet was inspiring my gifting others. It was contagious.

The Pope recently said that giving to the needy is “always right.” According to a NYT article, he said that giving in a way that retains dignity is as important as the gift. We need to look the person in the eye and see them as human.

In light of the increasing needs of so many, we will be repeatedly called on to stretch our capacity for generosity. What opens your wallet? What inspires you to give money or to give of yourself in other ways?

Published 3/25/17